NeoNeuro, A New Order

If there is a fine line between genius and insanity, I suspect the location of the line is dependent on where you view it from. Recently I saw that fine line from the wrong side when I got the results of four weeks of neuropsych testing and was told informally that I had a thought disorder like schizophrenia as well as a somatization disorder.

Only the week before I was on the genius side of the line. I had the extreme pleasure of spending a week with about 30 doctors, nurses, therapists and healers studying the brain and learning medical intuition. It was led by the brilliant and hysterically funny Dr. Mona Lisa Schulz, a prominent neuropsychiatrist and medical intuitive that hangs around with people like Christiane Northrup and Carolyn Myss and can be heard on HayHouse Radio.

In the class I felt very knowledgeable and talented though I have little education compared to my classmates. I was ably to have healthy social interactions and make some great new friends. One of my readings was brilliant and I thought I might have a promising career as a medical intuitive. I came home on top of the world.

Then the next week the world fell on top of me when I went for the test results and I crossed the fine line from genius over to insanity. After schizophrenia, the doctor added on PTSD, Anxiety, Depression, and Bi-Polar which I knew about. I was just getting used to being asperger-ish and ADD-ish and feeling good about my neurodiversity and this sent me into the despair of feeling crazy, a place I’ve spent a lot of time in.

The doctor also said that though my intelligence was exceptionally high in the 95-99% range, my processing speed was very low in the 3% range in some cases. I’ve always said I was an amazingly smart person who did incredibly dumb things. I understand quantum physics but have problems with simple stuff like using a blender and following directions.

All I heard was I’m a retarded schizophrenic and my physical illness is all in my head.

I think I was especially upset because as a child I did seances and my friends said I was crazy when they worked. In my mid-20s my parents tried to put me in Florida State Hospital, a horrible coo-coo’s nest. I talked my way out and into therapy. Over the course of 30 years of treatment for severe depression hospitalization has often been recommended and even shock treatment was suggested at one time. I did neither because I don’t trust doctors have a deep fear of being constrained and many visits to friends in locked wards have been enough to keep me out of them on sheer will alone. Today I take none of the 12 medications I once needed to survive.

So I processed this info over the week by getting depressed and frightened first but then angry. I asked all my support people and my therapist if they honestly felt I was schizophrenic and though I have had and do have many problems, this does not seem like one of them. I met with my Woo Woo Sisterhood, a group of powerful female ministers with psychic gifts and they did Renegade Reiki and covered me with Mermaid Armor. I went to 12-Step meetings and shared about it. And shared about it some more.

I read the subtext of thought disorder and actually liked some of the characteristics described that can often be misdiagnosed Aspergers’ Syndrome like the use of Neologisms, making up words. So I made up two new words…BenePsychotic, beneficial psychosis, and NeoNeuro, a new higher brain order.

I designed a logo and an affirming t-shirt for myself, as this is how I channel my anger, with creativity and humor. I watched the Hans Christian Anderson’s story about the Ugly Duckling who was really a beautiful swan and spent time with other swans, gifted people and those with psychic gifts and dubious psychiatric diagnoses.

I did research to get other opinions on where this fine line of sanity lies. I felt really uplifted when I saw my thoughts were in line with Dr. Mona Lisa as shown in her book Awakening Intuition:

“Through Disorder into Order – Some people have brains that are organized differently or function differently from the general population. Usually these people are said to have a brain disorder which is a slightly different word for “disease”. Very often they also have unusual gifts of intuition. In that light, the choice of “disorder” is interesting. You could say that disorder is what intuition creates. Intuition doesn’t adhere to protocol or practice restraint… The disorder it creates is unsettling. But by working through disorder, we can often achieve a new, possibly better order.“

Prof Michael Fitzgerald, a psychiatrist and expert in Asperger’s Syndrome (which I more likely have some of) which affects social relationships but not intellect, claims that people with Asperger’s can have exceptional artistic creativity and genius. Genius cannot exist without mental disorder, according to his study that names George Orwell, LS Lowry and Lewis Carroll among 21 artists who suffered this form of autism.

The most imaginative minds in history claim to prove the link between madness and greatness. Einstein, Beethoven, Mozart, Hans Christian Andersen and Immanuel Kant are among them.

Being crazy is a huge fear for me. My deepest. I’ve been having visions and hearing voices for a while but I know better than to tell a shrink from now on. I’ll tell my psychic friends and my therapist who is intuitive.

A long week later I got the official written report in the mail which not only did NOT say I was schizoid but in fact said there was “no sign of any formal thought disorder.” I spent a week of hell felling like I was “crazy” for nothing. She was mistaken or my processing issues are worse than we thought and I heard wrong. And now she’s on maternity leave for months so I can’t find out.

Either way, I learned a lot about myself and got to work on a very old issue and got a great t-shirt out of it. As long as I spend time with swans, I’ll stay on the right side of that fine line.

Ultimately, I have to trust myself, my family, friends and therapist. All of them see me as gifted not gelded. It is important that I use these diagnoses to create strategies for health and not see them as labels that disable.

Celebrate Neurodiversity

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