How an ENTP Agnostic sees God

The word Hallelujah rolls around my mouth like sweet honey. Jesus crosses my lips like a lover’s kiss. The Holy Spirit takes me and washes the pain from my soul like spring rain. I weep when I sing Kumbayah as “Hear me praying Lord, come by here”.

Are these the feelings of an agnostic? Why not? Can’t I have these spirit-filled experiences and not know the meaning or the source? Can I live in uncertainty and unknowingness and still have faith and feel God?

These are questions that rattle me sometimes. When I claimed Agnosticism for my belief I felt a huge relief. I have spent a few years making the rounds of churches from new thought to Pentecostal never feeling like I fit anywhere. I love being “in the spirit” at charismatic churches. I am so moved by their faith, conviction, and outright certainty of the existence of God. I just don’t agree with their theology.

I feel more at home with the teachings of New Thought, but I still feel polemic, argumentative. Is there one God? Is he/she/it omnipotent, omnipresent, omniscient? I cannot seem to reconcile the problems of this world with a God that is good all the time because frankly, he is not. I sometimes think God set the Earth in motion creating it pretty much perfect with a few flaws, particularly in the area of human beings, then took off for another universe.

Other times think the world exists like the movie The Matrix, a hologram, generated by our minds but we are Mr. Smith, the enemy within, and it is run by prankster.

All this may be true or none of it but I love not knowing or having to figure it out. In typology the P of the ENTP is a perceiver, needing to organize life with open doors and endless options. NTs are explorers, inventors, visionaries. You have to stay open for thes gifts.

Hanging around churches one might think it odd that I seem to have a lack of faith but in fact, I have plenty. If you define it as Google does: “a strong belief in a supernatural power or powers that control human destiny” I believe strongly in the supernatural: psychic abilities, mystical experiences, visions, spirits, etc. I just can’t be definite about the meaning of it or the source or if this is God. I just don’t know anything.

I think this is a good place to be. Firmly planted in unknowingness.