When I realized I had Asperger’s syndrome, one of several autism spectrum disorders characterized by difficulties in social interaction, I was quite relieved to have a socially acceptable disability I could name and claim that would explain my behaviors without making excuses. I’ve often felt a wall around me socially as I watch others interact pleasantly, make and keep friends, and generally keep from offending or even frightening others.
This has never been the case for me. Though I crave contact, possibly more than most people, I just feel clueless how to do it. I’m petrified of people and most of them say they feared me when they met me. I’ve been feared by the head of the Hell’s Angels who gave me a wide berth, great spiritual leaders who have banned me from their classrooms, and tough business men who have been in prison.
I don’t know when people are joking, I take things literally, I go off on tangents, I talk too much and sometime speak so fast people’s eyes glaze over. I spent 6 months training with an ADD coach just to learn how to watch people for signs boredom, embarrassment or discomfort. I have to be conscious all the time of what I say so I don’t hurt people. I have to edit my emails over and over often reducing a full page down to one question or comment. I’m highly extroverted but I really can be draining to be with people. I feel like I watch them on TV trying to see where and if I can fit in. I “dumb down” my thoughts to where others will understand me and try to keep to “safe topics” socially.
With individuals I do better than groups but I don’t seem to ever develop friends. I call them but they never call me. I’m intense and get bored with people who are ordinary. I’m drawn to dramatic personalities but they usually are not the best relationship people.
I try not to compare myself to my NT (Neurotypical) wife who still gets visits from high school chums at the old age of 63. I really love being with people and sometimes I really get tired of making “new” friends who think I’m so interesting but fall away after a few weeks. I get depressed when I spend time alone so I wander into Brooklyn delis striking up conversations with loose cigarette dealers and alcoholics.
I’ve been thinking about going to seminary for years and the closer I get, the more anxious I feel. I’m petrified of ongoing group activities. I’ve taken classes before and dropped out because I could not process auditory information during lectures and could not connect with my group in experiential activities. The teachers and books often bored me and I could not seem to follow through on assignments. I went to an orientation last Sunday and I an amazing time and was all set to join and then I asked a few questions. I felt like I could not communicate my concerns and freaked out when I thought someone was making fun of me. I have not left the house for a few days since.
If anyone with social problems has gone to school, or seminary and has any advice, please share it!
Filed under: Disability-Dis=Ability | Tagged: Aspergers, Neurodiversity, Seminary
Hi Rev,
Fellow Aspie here. I work at a university (not seminary). Things have come a long way in terms of making accommodations to AS/ASD folks. You should be open with your neuro-status when talking with prospective seminaries. If they don’t know what you are talking about or give you a long pause and throat clearing, get the heck out of the office.
Many professors are undiagnosed or closet AS. I hope you find a compassionate school.
~Anna
Thanks Anna. The idea if the whole interaction of putting it out there is scary to me but I have some good tools now. It took 6 months of ADHD coaching to learn to listen for the throat clearing, to watch for the eyes glazing over, or notice hand fidgeting, the signals that betray the truth when people say, “Oh yeah, sure, I get you. Not a problem.”
Yesterday I had to confront my spiritual counselor because she was a bit flippant about a question I asked two weeks ago. I wrote about my feelings for two weeks, cried on the way to my appointment, during the conversation and after talking to her. It turned out I had misread her comment. Sometimes words seem to jumble around in my head before they land and I don’t know in the moment that something bothered me and then I obsess on it for days only to find out the person meant nothing.
Part of my concern is my learning differences but more of it is my simultaneous hunger for and fear of social interactions. Those are what scare me the most.
Thanks for the help.